LET’S PARTY TIL THE YARD SALES OPEN

people tell me all the time
                       you could work @ party city
people beg me @ least once a week
                       wash away my iniquity, cleanse me of my sin

 we have been talking for a long time abt nothing
you have said
                      LET ME IN! LET ME IN!
but you have not said it to me
      you have said it to yr own self

i want to neck you this instant
under that bridge i will neck you @ once
dry hump me
                      but gentle, while you
      sweat & chant
i am alone & i am thinking i am not alone


Marianna Hagler reading some good poems

untitled

there is nothing to say
im here frowning, floating
biking, walking dogs
showering, you’ve been gone for a week
i am alone
clean in bed
always in bed
feeding shrimps out of my fried rice to the kitties
they beg
i beg
nothing happens
i ride my bike 10 miles
nothing happens
kinzie street bridge is beautiful at sunset
i sweat a lot
i swear a lot
i stopped making promises
there’s no point
i quit things then take them up again
i wash my sheets
everything is dull
none of my pants fit
fall is my favorite season but i feel nothing

untitled

clean clean clean clean
dont get rid of it
cats hit things
cats are hitters
this is the part where we start punching each other
so many bruises
what happened
it looks like i got beat up
dont invite him over again
im sorry
sorry
please talk to me
i feel old
i think i saw you as a 50 year old woman
you were hot
you were a hot milf
do i look like a milf now
yes
no i dont want to look like ive already had kids
i think i saw you as a baby
you were a hot baby
i think i saw colors for the first time
could you feel the colors
i dont know
is that a thing that happens
i dont know
look at the sky
i think i have to go to the bathroom
are those related

untitled

walked outside and sang to myself
“i dont recognize myself or my life anymoreeee”
thought
im not doing anything constructive
self hatred
all that shit
THAT SHIT
i drank a lot of juice
i ate healthy food then i ate unhealthy food
this is how it goes
i shower then i bike around and walk dogs then i sweat
give up on showering
spend money on dumb shit
make tea
drink half of it
forget about it
drink the rest later
think about substances
think about my acne
think about my dumb hair
think about social issues
think about the economy
apply for more jobs on craigslist
make a chaturbate account
text people
take pictures of my cat
watch snapchats from fashion week
change my profile picture on facebook then sit and watch the likes scroll by
like like like like like
lay on the couch
watch 10 min of a tv show then open another tab and watch 10 min of another show
think
what am i doing
eat more
lay in bed
everything smells weird

Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart on Waiting for Godot and No Man’s Land

NAVIGATE ME

Today I went to watch the water and wondered why I made everything

               so complicated. Maybe I can come back as a boat

               lapping on sunlit water on the first Spring day, waiting to be told

where to go.

Little Fear

The beach is ninety-eight percent humidity so that plan is shot down. There are seventeen mile per hour winds that nobody wants to feel with sand mixed in. A huge chance of rain. Everyone gets a say; we all say no. We decide to have a party. Someone gets the amps set up and the live wire crackles, bursts, and catches the carpet on fire. We put it out without much effort, nobody gets dramatic.

Someone hands you a red cup full of warm coke with rum. I feel jealous of the rum because I want some. After the fire we put the TV on and watch the trees through the window swaying over the tops of the houses. One of them bare and brown, moving less than the others, We talk about why that one is taller. We talk about why you are taller. I talk about how I think being short makes it difficult for people to respect me, which is why I walk around feeling like a child all the time. I think about how it must be psychologically damaging if all people ever do is look down on you, and to have to constantly be looking up.

For you the impulse to make music is always there. The music is playing softly while you ignore me. I ask you to hold me decently, you hold me, I ask you to hold me, you say, I am, I say you’re not, I push you away, it feels inauthentic. We are in a place where it doesn’t count unless you initiate. You say you like it when every song is short. I like it too, there is a pattern there that doesn’t get distracted. I can forgive you for starting the fire.

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mumble stories

POSTED 08/01/15 AT 01:20:21 GMT

tonight i posted three photos of myself to the subreddit community r/amiugly. i called it x-post from /r/whydontboyslove me even tho there is no subreddit community called /r/whydontboysloveme. it is made up. i made it up. haha. i got three responses and two upvotes. one response said i look like i am on drugs. i do not think i look like i am on drugs in that photo but also i think i was on drugs in that photo. i checked his comment history and the last comment he made was on a post in the subreddit community /r/rateme and it said “Small dick.” one comment said i was no troll but he’d love to see how the body might make up for the face. i replied it doesn’t. lmao. he said he loves the female figure and the parts of that figure. also he said peach emoji.

another user said i look average which made me feel ok and i felt like /u/YA_BOOBS_SHOWEMTOME is probably an honest and logical person and not a mean or good person.

then i got a private message from /u/wasssupbuddy which included a photo of himself and asked if he could enjoy himself to my photo. he said he needed permission but i said it sounded a li’l bdsm-y and that those days are far over for me. but i decided not to send that in case he would like it, i didn’t want him to like it i don’t know. then i replaced my tinder picture with the one he (/u/wasssupbuddy) said he would pleasure himself to and i only felt a little nauseated.

once in the tenth grade i wrote an essay about how being ugly isn’t the end of the world and i said that most people are 4s or 5s or 6s which i don’t believe anymore and also i mentioned stephen hawking in some context and it was published in the literary magazine at high school on the last page and /u/YA_BOOBS_SHOWEMTOME’s comment has more upvotes than my post, which is ok and probably honest.

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Fran Lebowitz NPR Interview

The Fran Lebowitz Reader

spawn ashberry

while i was hanging out w angie she told me i could tweet her idea for a tweet, which was, “the best bigge smalls lyric is ‘linens and things'”
i enjoy, while going somewhere w/ someone, stopping for a bit at their house/apt, & just kinda chillin, while they do random stuff
i’m feeling very “on the verge of influential”–drake right now
when allen ginsberg met ezra pound, pound said almost nothing, only opening his mouth to occasionally say “no” in response to ginsberg’s endless stream of questions
eva texted me abt how there are bombs armed with vomit and feces in a building in new orleans, this was after she texted me “the other night i realized how much i’m in love with you and probably always will be”
i heard “wish you were here” by pink floyd in jersey mike’s recently
i was taking pictures of myself and felt always unattractive, then made a yo mama/ralph nader joke on twitter
i applied for a job at a music store but didn’t get an interview because i wasn’t cool enough
i am not an immortal god

mixed nuts

i wish there was some way for me to change right now
??????????????????????????????????????????
there’s a girl in the newest american pie movie who is at one point topless
i feel like there’s a fog that makes it impossible for me to understand
i felt scared abt having kids, what kind of world would i be bringing them into?
at the end of the movie abt clones who are only alive to be harvested by rich ppl who want to be immortal, they show an important person their art & think it might save them
but the person who is important is just an old woman & nothing will save them
it’s quite sad & happy when the guys bring them a bunch of garbage for xmas
now this crazy song is playing, an insane remix of barbie girl by aqua
you used to have to make an effort to distinguish yourself from the avalanche of promoted, commercial, consensus, pop music
you don’t have to make an effort anymore, you just pick and choose, it’s a buffet