Hello [patient name],
This is a courtesy call from your local clinic to inform you that you have tested positive for a sexually transmitted neurological infection known as emotional unavailability.
The progressive symptoms of emotional unavailability include: a boundless initial excitement at the prospect of a new romantic interest, the formation of an ill-advised ad hoc relationship with said romantic interest, an overwhelming annoyance with said love interest, and finally, the public dumping of said romantic interest. In the middle of the night. In the spot where the two of you had your first kiss.
While emotional unavailability is doubtlessly uncomfortable for its carriers, remember, it is always most debilitating for the stupid, stupid fools who fall for you. We suggest you begin to notify said fools of your infection ahead of time in a way that portrays you as emotionally unavailable, as opposed to badass, mysterious, or in desperate need of someone pretty, smart, and alluring to crack your hard candy shell of handsomeness and lies.
We hope you will take this news in stride, and start to practice some goddamn self-awareness until you are able to heal the gaping void that has become you. With a regular regimen of forgiveness, acceptance, self-validation, and maybe some penicillin, you should be able to recover from your emotional unavailability within one to two calendar years. The typical sign of a completed recovery is a cinematic realization that you’ve thrown away the best thing that’s ever happened to you and hot christ why were you so stupid you need to go get her back right the fuck now and tell her for the first time that you are actually capable of love and all of your love is hers right now and for the rest of time and always and forever.
Please call to make an appointment as soon as is convenient. We thank you in advance for your conscientious behavior.