7 Mindblowing Facts You Didn’t Know About John Wayne

              John Wayne was gay
for one man:                Uncle Sam.
Their turbulent affair spanned several decades,
until John Wayne’s death. He died in Sam’s arms.

If John Wayne went a day
              without riding, his horse
would cry in the bathroom, wonder
              what it did wrong.

Uncle Sam would later describe
John Wayne as “the one
                          that got away, heh” before turning
his face from the camera and ending the interview.

John Wayne owned an Arby’s franchise
 for over 30 years,        but would never
say which one: he wanted it to stand
                                        on its own merits.

              John Wayne wore special shoes
not because his feet were freakishly tiny
but because they were made            of antimatter
              and could kill us all if not contained.

This also explains
              The Duke’s signature walk:
he had the full fury of the unknown universe
              exploding underneath his every step

John Wayne did           kegel exercises
24/7. That weird cadence to his speech?
Between each word, he was flexing
                                                        his pelvic floor.

About Timothy Volpert

Timothy Volpert lives in Kansas. His work has been published or is forthcoming in Mobius, Kansas City Voices, and Stone Highway Review. He can also be found on Tumblr and Twitter.

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