Author: Ian MacAllen

Ian MacAllen writes regularly for The Rumpus and has contributed to The Billfold, Thought Catalog and io9. He founded English Kills Review, a website focused on New York, books, and authors. He holds a Master’s Degree in English from Rutgers University. He currently live in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Fetish Classified Ads of Inanimate Objects

Single White Urinal, average height with small knob wants to get pissed on. Seeks same or similar.

Pair of chopsticks needs a third! We’re a couple with hard wood looking to experiment. Hand fetishes okay! Asians preferred.

Traditional Teddy Bear seeks similarly furry animal. Shaggy fur a plus. No Beanie Babies.

Single Black Sock just got out of a long-term relationship and looking for something new. Sorry, no couples.

This fork wants to cuddle! Tired of getting stabbed all the time, I’m ready for someone I can settle down with and who knows how to spoon.

Violin seeking like-minded string instruments. Tired of the solo act? So am I. Would love a quartet or triplet, but would settle for duet.