Author: Kaitlyn Tiffany

Kaitlyn Tiffany is a junior at Cornell. She writes for The Cornell Daily Sun. She has been published in The Bacon Review, Sundog Lit, The Eckleburg Review, and The Dying Goose. She can also be found on Tumblr.

I Only Believe In You and Ben Affleck

A toy marriage being performed by children. The alternate alternate alternate ending of Pretty in Pink.

I am interested in the algorithm of a good love story.

When love touches your skin it is because it already knows it. Love does not touch to find out.

I am interested in the algorithm of a good love song.

I do not believe that anthropomorphism belongs in the love songs.

I do not believe that metaphor belongs in the love songs.

I believe in selfishness and catalogs of events. I believe in curation without description.

Love watches your anxiety attack, puts the mattress pad back on and picks the full packs of gum out of the trash, but not because you need love to or want love to, but because love is the good cop and you are the bad cop and you agreed on that, alright?

Love sometimes thinks you must have chosen to be whatever you are.

I am interested in where love plateaus.

I think romance is only romantic at 12 and at 90. I think romance is only romantic when you can feel the crush of it in a forehead kiss. I think Michael Douglas is disgusting.

I am interested in show and tell. I have developed a theory that love is a game of show and tell on the scale of Texas.

Love tells you if it wants you and banishes you when it doesn’t.

I believe that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon actually wrote Good Will Hunting and I believe that a sappy movie can be beautiful and perfect.

Had to go see about a girl

This line is disgusting bad.

Love is free to be hurt whenever you leave it, because love is not expected to understand where you are going — why, or to whom.

More importantly, love will be hurt broadly, no specifics— I am hurting because I can’t see you, touch you. Not because you are knee deep in a frat brother’s bed.

I am interested in knowing when love starts and starts some more.

One is after you discover that you can fit the entirety of each other’s shoulders into your mouths.

The other is the first time you summon the daring to kiss somewhere other than the hair. Shuffle up and deal.

I think Romeo & Juliet is not a love story but Almost Famous is.

Much like comic book villains I think we need to be shaken and have what we believe in demanded of us. ALIGN YOURSELF:

Only you and Ben Affleck.

Things I Wrote On Various Social Media After You Didn’t Want To Eat Breakfast With Me At 4 A.M.

“It’s to the point where I thought that I was writing a tweet but actually I was composing a new message on Gmail.”

That was both an accident and a reflex. You do not follow my Twitter but your Pikachu Google+ photo is in my inbox for professional reasons.

“There are a lot of bad things that can happen to you if you don’t sleep for a few days but at least none of them is Freddy Kreuger.”

That is bad grammar. Correct it with your teeth.


That one is a shot in the dark, isn’t it? Self-effacing is your favorite hyphenation.

“I’m not sure exactly how long it is until I have to be in class but this day-old pancake is terrible”

Come make fresh ones with me and sleep through your 8 a.m. class. The snow is up to our throats but that’s even better — a reason to nap during the day. Nap on my sheets. Dig holes in the paper with your toes.

“Sorry for being terse.”

But if you come, bring me some skim milk. We need one and one-quarter cups. We can take hours to figure out what that is in metric units. I will stare at your forehead while you try to do math. I will stick my fingers to it like linoleum toes.

“Show a neglected friend you still love them by texting them insane ideas for tattoos every hour on the hour between 11 p.m. and dawn.”

Know that I love people.
Not loving people is for sociopaths.
Being a sociopath is for meteorologists.
We are not meteorologists. We only pretend to know which way the wind blows.
I will put a finger in the air and then you can lick it. Like a stamp. This is pure business. I am pure business when it comes to you and to weather patterns.
We are in a polar vortex and the only way out is three blocks down and one door up.

Example: “Power hour the witching hour” on knee-back.
Example: A tube of lipstick (but only if I ever write an essay about the politics of lipstick) near my armpit.
Example: “Rhymes with brick wall” on my elbow.

I will write jokes on my body and you can laugh until they fall off.
Ha ha ha ha
the joke is on you because that is never, Peter Pan

“No sleep.”

Is this a sext?

“Someone cover over and eat the strawberries in my fridge before they mold. This is not a sext.”

This is me saying “this is not a sext.” Compared to you, I am three-thousand times the virgin, baby boy.

Baby boy, compared to you I am a doll house that is a grown woman’s art project and no child’s toy.

Baby boy, please don’t think I rhymed “boy” and “toy” on purpose.

“My self-inflicted 48 hours of solitary have made me really good at entertaining myself in my mind.”

I once watched you fall asleep while whispering “fuck you” over and over and forgive me, I thought you were serious.

“My smoke detector literally always thinks I am committing a fire but really I am just committing grilled cheese or too long of a shower or chain smoking.”

It is actually a particle detector and I am spraying Christmas perfume into its lungs. Come rescue me from Victoria’s Secret and I will pink polka dot your spine.

“Facebook, turns out, believes that I am interested primarily in two things:
1)     proactively designing my own engagement ring
2)    eating a lot of Sara Lee products at a reduced price”

I think you watch 30 Rock. Liz Lemon is a babe.

“I think you need a nap, Satan.”

I probably saw that on Tumblr but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

“Let’s be real. As opposed to what? Let’s not be robocops. Let’s never be robocops.”

Let’s be real, I don’t love you like Romy loves Michelle.
Let’s be real, I only love you like Michelle loves muted metallic lipsticks. But god, that is enough for right now.
God, that might be enough for fucking ever. Do you know how great lipstick is?

Let’s be real, I would probably sing a Paramore song to you like a white girl.

Let’s be real, I am a white girl.

Let’s be real, I would sing a Paramore song to you like a white girl who had not yet developed a hatred for being a white girl

I would sing “I SHOULD BE OVER ALL THE BUTTERFLIES” like I didn’t hate myself for sharing your skin color, you hegemonic piece of shit.

Let’s be real, I don’t think you’re a piece of shit I just hate your hats and all of your friends.

Let’s be real, I looked up your high school band and I think I could love you better if you still wore a cardigan unironically.

Let’s be real, I don’t love you, I just like saying your name.

Call me “Kiddo,” so I can pretend you mean Beatrix

Call me “cunt,” so I can pretend you mean Beatrix

Call me “b,” so I can pretend you mean Beatrix.

or Beezus.

Call me by name, so I can pretend you mean “once your mother was infatuated with something Irish and I am something Irish and I am infatuated with you — it is because of your sweater and your lipstick which is something with either the word ‘rose’ in the title because of your middle name or something with the word ‘plum’ in the title because of a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie”

Call me for fuck’s sake.

Some things about oxford commas, I can’t remember.