Deep contemplative thoughts upon returning to the West after eight years in Asia

Adverts for tampons have gotten way the fuck out of hand

Not saying I’m into repression or prudishness

Or anything

But come the fuck on

You can literally see the tampon on screen

And there’s actually some red liquid going into it

That’s seriously fucking graphic, man

And they can say the word “period” now.

I always thought it was stupid that they couldn’t do that

Like it was really Victorian to dance around it

Show women running around freely, laughing

Fun with friends and shit like that

Ridiculous words like “fresh” and wearing tight jeans

We all got the point, y’know?

It was funny, yeah

But seriously

C’mon

There’s something to be said about a slight air of decorum

i.e. I’m fine with adverts for toilet paper feat. the following:

Babies

Dogs

Flowers

So what if they don’t use toilet paper?

So shit

We got point, y’know

Nobody walked into a bathroom and said

“I don’t know how this works,

The advert just had a baby in it,

Rolling around all cute and stuff,

I wanted, like, instructions…”

It was subtle, somewhat pseudocerebral

You never saw a guy eating a curry and taking a shit

Some nasty-ass truckstop bathroom

Using cheap T.P. like sandpaper,

Gritting his teeth, asshole burning

And then an up-close vivid demonstration

Of a supposedly superior product

Some thick luxurious multiply paper with a brown streak down the middle

Imagine that at dinnertime, family around the TV

Everyone staring, sick to their stomachs

“What the fuck is this?”

But I suppose it’s all culturally relevant

A year or two and you wouldn’t bat an eyelid

I guess that’s what happened with the tampons

We grow up, stopped calling it “time of the month”

And being “not so fresh”

No longer afraid to use actual vaginal blood on screen

To call it what it is

I suppose I should be proud

In Asia I respected that lack of squeamishness

The animated turds everywhere

The actual turds everywhere

The not being afraid to call a turd a turd

It’s admirable, y’know?

Asian woman, tho, don’t even use tampons

I don’t understand the logistics

Asian people don’t even use toilet paper

Except the Chinese, who use on average one square per dump

(Don’t ask me how I know, I just do)

Man, that’s some restraint

That is some serious fucking holding back

When you think about it

Right?

What good is one square for a good shit?

One measly “sanitary napkin” for a period?

That’s fucked up but respectable

Feel like a soldier come back from a warzone

To find protesters in the street

Chanting, baying for blood

Only it’s period blood and I’m not a soldier

And has nothing to fucking do with me anyway

I’m just a guy trying to have dinner

And there’s a tampon on my TV screen.

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