I TRIED TO WOO YOU OVER THE INTERNET

I received the two-second mp4 file you sent that monotonously seduced me, “goodnight, michelle.” You sent it at 3am EST. My anxiety materialized into the four wood-paneled walls in my bedroom for the next hour.

D’accord.

I softly rushed to the neighborhood cemetery, stood in the shaded section of cobblestones, and removed my iPhone from my back pocket. Four times I attempted to videotape myself whispering, “Everyday Is Like Sunday,” an allusion I thought your internet presence would appreciate. My wretched voice. I only sent a video of my loafers, iced coffee, and surrounding graves. Did the ghosts of the graveyard support me?

If you ever meet me in person, your average self-deprecating moron, you’d be underwhelmed. Thank god I am dating a podcast.

About Michelle Macinsky

Michelle Macinsky lives in Philadelphia. Follow her on tumblr and visit her website.

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